You

Why would you actually want that?

I don't know. I'm not sure how much I actually know for sure anymore. These days, everything seems cloudy. But you wouldn't think like that, not unless something was wrong. But no, no, you're fine.

Don't worry.

Smile.

Be what they need you to be. That's what helps you sleep at night, thinking you're so damn self-sacrificing. Thinking you're so selfless because you're willing to help your friends but can't bring yourself to ask for their help even if you desperately need it. And God knows you do sometimes.

God knows.

And maybe He isn't even the only one.

But you're not everything you pretend to be. Hell even your facade is slightly translucent. Just enough to offer people a glimpse. But not enough to make them stoop down and give you a hand. Because that's what you want isn't it? Because you're too damn proud and arrogant to ask.

It's almost like you're two people, isn't it?

There's one man, strong, eager to live.

And then there's another who barely even deserves to be called a man. And you... You make me sick. And ashamed. Ashamed to be me. Scared to put my name to that part of me, scared to own up. Terrified.

But you can't own me forever.

The Shadow of the Bright and Clear

Have you ever felt like all you are free to do now is to sit back and let life happen? Just let it drift on by like so many toy boats in so much water? All because the thing that, rightly or wrongly, made your world keep spinning has itself spun out of your life?

What if you lost it so long ago, and you kept searching, hoping, dreaming, begging, bargaining with God or with yourself. "Let me find it Lord, I'll do anything..." Until you find it again and everything feels just about complete.

But what if you've felt it slipping away for a while? Clawing its way back out of your life, slithering out. Creeping. Until all you have left is a mere shadow dancing its shadowy dance on the white plaster of the wall behind you, projecting dimly what was once so bright and clear.

But what if you don't want the shadow? What if the shadow makes you feel week and vulnerable because you poured so much of yourself into the bright and clear incarnation? Poured so much out, and now its stuck with the bright and clear, and you are left with the shadow. The shadow of the bright and clear, the shadow of who you were, and the shadow of what you poured out from yourself. The shadow of what you gave.

And now you feel so small.

Lonely.

Scared.

What if you don't know how much more you can take? Would you explode? Or would you simply fizz out like coke-a-cola going flat, because there's not enough of you left to combust? And that being said, would you be missed half as much as everyone tells you you would be?

Sometimes you just need to believe someone somewhere would miss you if one day you just weren't around. Sometimes you just need to believe that for someone, somewhere, love actually works the way it was designed to. Sometimes you have to believe that there's an escape from pain that's so much better than even more pain.

And maybe that would be God, if you weren't too scared to trust Him. If for once you would actually believe all the things you say you do and stop being a hypocrite. Stop lying to yourself. Stop seeing in yourself everything you hate in others. If you could not only listen to, but actually believe the things people say about you... Then you would be strong. You'd genuinely be as strong as you act. It wouldn't be an act just to show people who they need you to be.

If you could let everything go... Then you would be free.

All The Crazy Shades of Grey

That my politics is constantly under attack and derision from my (predominantly) right-wing acquaintances is possibly more frustrating than you can easily appreciate. There's a high level of both misunderstanding and (unsurprisingly, given the right-wing leanings) intolerance. I am constantly being informed that "Tim, oh Tim, you sound awfully liberal to me!" as if that's a bad thing. But here's the kicker: I'm not liberal. Perhaps in contrast to my conservative buddies I am... But in contrast to the two or three neo-socialists I know, I am "awfully conservative."

Why is that?

That's because I sit in the middle, dear reader. However 'political centrism' is not synonymous with 'bench-sitting' by any means. All this means for me is that I, unlike most people, am strong enough, smart enough, brave enough to ascertain for myself what fits with the Bible. What fits with my deep rooted sense of justice, ethics and morality. What fits with my own beliefs. I am not afraid to figure things out for myself.

Because of that, I don't need to believe what my parents tell me. I don't need to believe what my church tells me. I just choose to believe what God tells me. And not what my parents or my church or my social circle tells me God is telling me... But what I believe God is telling me consistent what what I read in His word. I make up my own mind irrespective of political or religious extremes, stigma, dogma and so on and forth.

But why do I defend the liberals? Why do I so hypocritically deride the conservatives?

That's because if the world truly was a black and white place, if it were not filled with so many shades of grey, if I absolutely had to choose left or right... I would choose the left. Because then at least I would be free to truly love. To love compassionately. Honestly. Freely. Truly. I would be able to love someone even if I didn't believe what they believe, or even agree with it. I would be able to love someone even if I didn't agree with some things they do. I would be able to love without passing judgment. That is the most pure form of love.

And I wouldn't have to feel guilty for it.

But I like where I am right now. Here I am free to be honest with myself, with no conflicting beliefs. Here I don't have to call myself pro-life and yet still support the death sentence, or support wars and violence in the name of peace, justice and truth. Where I sit, I can be pro-life both before and after birth. Because I am free to believe what is right. Because I am not held back by the constraints of left and right. Liberal and conservative.

Do yourself a favour and think. Read your Bible. Pray. But don't do that through the lenses of many years of thinking through things from one specific angle or another. What do you really believe about things? What does the Bible really say about things? What seems to be the most logical and reasonable explanation?

If I were not constrained by years or decades of one particular way of thinking (be it liberal or conservative, it doesn't matter) what would I really believe?



P.S. I'm not answering any comments, I think I'll make that quite clear in advance. This will probably get very heated,and I'd rather say out of it. I'm not trying to offend anyone, I'm just offering an alternative, or something for you to think about.