Pentecostalism: Crazy Man's Theology

The only branch of Christianity I genuinely do not understand is Pentecostalism. Not trying to be a hypocrite here by any means, but when I talk to Pentecostals, I find it hard to talk about anything meaningful. They're just so weird, hokey-spiritual, unreal, over-radicalized, fanatical and spirit-centred. They're just so ridiculous, and you just want to tell them (or ask them), "you do realize that outside your spirit-shaped box there is a real life just waiting to be claimed? You do, right?"

It would be nice if I could find something from an Anglican or Presbyterian perspective explaining the 'pentecostal mind'. Oh, good grief, they're like females! Except that I doubt anyone can explain the female mind. (I've even asked a female to explain some things. They just can't do it!) But I digress!

I feel fairly certain that a smart Anglican or Presbyterian theologian could explain 'Pentecosticallity' to me. I just wish someone would explain where these 'spiritual gifts' come from. No, smartarse, not from the Holy Spirit. I mean, where in the bible. 'Coz it ain't in my bible. Is that 'coz I don't read Anton LaVey's 'Satanic Bible'? That's enough slander for now. All I'm trying to say is this: The only description of speaking in tongues, for instance, is in Acts. Where everyone could hear the 11 speaking in their own languages. Not everyone hearing the 11 going 'yarkha lestomania corintebe charlekhtamba es trel gornikhman thani!' Speaking in tongues. Speaking in languages. Speaking in languages. Speaking in languages. Wait... That's more than one language!?! Surprise, surprise!

One other thing that bothers me about Pentecostals is the credit they give the devil and other 'evil spirits.' I believe magic exists. I believe magic is the work of demons. Demons working through people who permit them to do so. I strongly believe that Satan has only as much power as you individually allow him to possess. So if you're fearing an 'attack from the Devil' because you believe he's capable of that, you'd better be prepared for some seriously negative spiritual experiences buddy.

So I guess this is a call for a book on pentecostal theology. I want to know how they back all this bullcrap up scripturally, because there seems to be a distinct lack of scriptural basis for many of their doctrines. I know that you need to be energetic to grab the attention of today's youth. I know that today's youth are after something a little more spiritual than your average evangelical church service can offer. But I don't know if you need to forsake the bible in your quest of souls for Jesus. Seriously, don't worry about that! It's in God's control. You don't need to try and be 'relevant' or anything, at least not to that degree, because God will bring His plans to fruition!

So I'm asking for an evangelical theologian here. Hell, even a sensitive Pentecostal will do! One who understands that other people have more balanced views - and that makes them neither more nor less a Christian than him.

Yes! I know! Amazing, hey? There is more than one mode of Christian belief! There actually is! Wonders never cease...

Disclaimer: My intention was not to cause dissent, disenfranchisement or disenchantment for any Pentecostals who might read this. All I'm asking for is answers backed up with scriptures quoted with accurate contexts. And if I piss off more than half my readers in the process, so be it. Luv yaz in Christ! Keep those hands raised high brother!

Creed

I believe.

I believe in the supreme authority of but one god, holy and pure, incapable of the will to sin,
Himself one of three persons: Father, Son and Holy Spirit
Three to be equally worshiped as one, for there is but one god

I believe in His love and how He sent His son to die in our place
While we were still under God's wrath, He sent His son
As a means that we who believe in Him shall live forever
He was treated unjustly, for He was sinless.
He was beaten, and ridiculed for my sake.
To buy my soul, He was crucified, hung on a cross, where He died and entered Hell.
After three days, He rose again from death
After a further forty days He was taken up to be with the Father
All this in order that we might pass over from death to life in His amazing grace

I believe in a second coming of the Son, heralding the end of the present earth

I believe in a second life for those His grace will reach – to worship Him forever in the new heaven and the new earth.
I cannot deny God’s absolute power and authority over everything in Heaven and Earth –
He is in control of all the little things such as every step we take, but also of our salvation, taken from our hands as relief – for I believe that in accepting Him, I was only following a path that He had chosen for me long before. While I chose Him, it is only because He chose me at the first. But I believe that He has a plan for my entire life, not just in regards to my salvation.

I believe that the one true god forgives the sins of all who truly repent and confess

I believe that we, as Christ’s followers, are called to be fishermen
Casting the nets so that God can do His work in bringing others to the light
We are also called to live in peace with one another, to love our neighbours and to love God.

This is what I believe – A statement of my faith declaring the supreme authority of God, His gift of the Holy Spirit and the saving work of His son, Jesus Christ, crucified for sins I and my fathers had committed, and a gift we did not deserve.

Amen.