Dear God: Open Letter To My King

Dear God,

Is it when I don't feel you that you're there for me the most?

They say that when we don't love ourselves, and when we can't see any point to existing, knowing that you thought it was worth dying for us even though we're like we are should make us love ourselves again. I guess I'm just not as good as you are. I mean, I know I'm not, that's obvious, but I'm just not good enough to love myself when I hate myself. I guess I'm just sick of not being happy where you've placed me in this life.

There is so much that I want to be, but I know that I'm here for a reason. I'm not happy with what I have, and it's wrong, but I'm so sorry. God, I want you to hold me now. That's what I want. I want to hand my problems over to you, but I can hardly do that when I don't even pray for myself anymore... I just feel like you can't hear me. I know you do. And I know you love me. But I can't feel it, and it scares me. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm really saved at all. If I can't feel your love, what is the point? But I know I am, I know it. I could never seriously doubt it.

But at the same time, I can feel the love from my friends... I both know it's real and feel its presence. Although at times I doubt their decision to love me, I can really feel that they do. But even my closest friends can't possibly love me half as well as you, Jesus. So why can't I feel it? I know it's real, but where is it? I'm sick of feeling cold, as though I'd get a better reply out of a brick wall.

I read somewhere that God loves it when we wrestle with Him. Because you have to be close to somebody to wrestle with them. You have to be right next to them. And that is comforting. I know you're here. I know you love me. Just help me feel it. If I felt like my prayers were being heard and answered, I feel I could give my many issues over to you. And if I did that, I know that you'd know what to do with them.

I need somebody to talk to, somebody to hold me, somebody to love me, somebody to take on all my problems, somebody to look after me. And that person should be you, but maybe I'm just not letting you in?

Help me to let you in, Jesus. Because I love you. And I know you want the best for me. And I know you love me and want to help me. But I'm scared. I've always been a coward. Maybe I'm scared to give everything up when I care too much? Jesus, help me, please let me surrender everything. Help me feel your love in my life when I don't love myself.

Yours truly,
Little me

The Singer And The Dancer

He would sing alone on his empty stage,
Hiding insecurities as a faulty voice is amplified
He would sing and write to impress her heart,
But she would never see him where he stood

She would dance like an angel
Silent moves in a crowded auditorium
With each step, she would capture more of his heart
He would pay every night to see her art

I am one cursed with desire I can never fulfill
For she will never understand the fullness of my love
I am cursed because she hates me
And she will never see me for who I am

He was jealous of what she had,
Screaming to an unseen God, begging to come home
Friends and family could never console
A bleeding heart still beating for his loss

She pretended to not even see,
As if she didn't know that she was killing one so pure
It was almost a game for the sweetest of roses
But the petals were pierced by the thorns

I am one cursed with desire I can never fulfill
But I have tried too long to keep my heart in check
I am cursed because she hates me
But no one can expect me to cope any longer

The night was dark and long,
And a silver moon barely poked through the wintry clouds
Screams of pain were masked by the rain
And each drop of blood washed itself away

The following morning the policemen found
A crushed rose flower bleeding far away

Love Me In The Rainfall

This shadow hangs over
In the shape of a cross
My soul grows stronger
As your blood runs faster
But my heart, it grows bitter
Coz I know that I didn't deserve this
What could you see in me?
And why? Why do I fail once again?

I'm holding onto the base of the cross, looking at the thorns
I'm begging you to hold me as the rain begins to fall
You look at me in silence, even though your heart is torn
This broken body, bleeding love forever more

I thought I was by myself
I'm not good enough for you
And I wanted to die
Coz exactly how could I pretend?
I was living a two-tone life
And a year of perpetual winter
I wanted you to destroy me
But you wanted me to live

I'm holding onto the base of the cross, looking at the thorns
I'm begging you to hold me as the rain begins to fall
You look at me in silence, even though your heart is torn
This broken body, bleeding love forever more