Dear God,
Is it when I don't feel you that you're there for me the most?
They say that when we don't love ourselves, and when we can't see any point to existing, knowing that you thought it was worth dying for us even though we're like we are should make us love ourselves again. I guess I'm just not as good as you are. I mean, I know I'm not, that's obvious, but I'm just not good enough to love myself when I hate myself. I guess I'm just sick of not being happy where you've placed me in this life.
There is so much that I want to be, but I know that I'm here for a reason. I'm not happy with what I have, and it's wrong, but I'm so sorry. God, I want you to hold me now. That's what I want. I want to hand my problems over to you, but I can hardly do that when I don't even pray for myself anymore... I just feel like you can't hear me. I know you do. And I know you love me. But I can't feel it, and it scares me. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm really saved at all. If I can't feel your love, what is the point? But I know I am, I know it. I could never seriously doubt it.
But at the same time, I can feel the love from my friends... I both know it's real and feel its presence. Although at times I doubt their decision to love me, I can really feel that they do. But even my closest friends can't possibly love me half as well as you, Jesus. So why can't I feel it? I know it's real, but where is it? I'm sick of feeling cold, as though I'd get a better reply out of a brick wall.
I read somewhere that God loves it when we wrestle with Him. Because you have to be close to somebody to wrestle with them. You have to be right next to them. And that is comforting. I know you're here. I know you love me. Just help me feel it. If I felt like my prayers were being heard and answered, I feel I could give my many issues over to you. And if I did that, I know that you'd know what to do with them.
I need somebody to talk to, somebody to hold me, somebody to love me, somebody to take on all my problems, somebody to look after me. And that person should be you, but maybe I'm just not letting you in?
Help me to let you in, Jesus. Because I love you. And I know you want the best for me. And I know you love me and want to help me. But I'm scared. I've always been a coward. Maybe I'm scared to give everything up when I care too much? Jesus, help me, please let me surrender everything. Help me feel your love in my life when I don't love myself.
Yours truly,
Little me
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